I know, I feel the same way. We have a lot of ground to cover. Let me give you a quick agenda for this meeting. First I'll tell you why we can go ahead and cancel the Olympics now. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! Then we'll spend some time going over Team USA's Olympic gear (#barf). We'll give a little time to fashion highlights from other competing nations, and finally we'll go through the schedule and pick out some spandex highlights for you.
Why We Can Go Ahead and Cancel the Olympics Now
Meet Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe of Mexico:
He already won. Though not technically a prince, the alpine skiier, six time Olympian, and sole representative of Mexico will be sporting this mariachi-themed spandex suit on the slopes. I mean seriously, stop EVERYTHING. Everyone else can go home.
Why, Ralph Lauren, why?
Screenshot from RalphLauren.com
I'm honestly not sure how RL scored this gig after those hot messes they produced for Team USA in London. They must have finagled their way into some sweet, multi-year contract before showing anyone any sketches of their plans.
I admit that I hate this LESS than I hated the London atrocities. The pants are not bad (though I will point out that it is after Labor Day, not to mention white pants aren't for everyone), and the boots are whatever (edit: upon further inspection up close at RalphLauren.com, these boots are ugly as sin). I'm not even entirely offended by that stupid hat - function over fashion. Fine. BUT THAT FREAKING CARDIGAN. Did America barf in a knits factory?! I don't even know where to look. I'm having serious overstimulation issues. Also, how warm is that going to keep you? I know it's only like 52 degrees in Sochi right now and for much of America that would currently feel like summer, but we can't have our athletes catching a cold before the biggest sporting nights of their lives! The Jewish mother in me highly disapproves.
If it's even possible, there is something that I find even more revolting than this sorry excuse for a cardigan: the pricing of all these items and related accessories. Fingerless gloves, as in GLOVES THAT DO NOT EVEN HAVE FINGERS, are going for $98. Say what?! Unless those gloves are knit with the mane of a unicorn, I can't understand why they cost so much. Luckily I picked up my choice Sochi gear from the NBC Experience Store.
Global Olympic Fashion Highlights
Now that we have accepted the fact that, once again, American athletes are going to look like total tools in the Parade of Nations, let's take a brief moment to reflect on some other national attire:
Great Britain: Hosts of the last Olympic games, the Brits are sticking with Adidas, who did them well in 2012. Simple, chic, also in our national color palate... Maybe no one will notice if we throw some of this stuff on?
The Netherlands: At first I thought this was one of the houses from Harry Potter. While I give them points for style, I subtract points for weather and occasion appropriateness. The Dutch will be super ready for a job interview, but fully unprepared should the weather drop below 50 (and even that is pushing it).
Sweden: I'm not nearly blonde enough to be Swedish, but I would happily wear any piece from this H&M-designed collection. Bravo!
France: A PUFFY JACKET DESIGNED AS A BLAZER?!?!?! Absolute genius. This kit by Lacoste deserves a gold medal. Also, how do the French manage to look so not tool-like in hats?
Germany: Um, hi, WTF?! I didn't find a designer listed for this get up, and it is probably because they are somewhere hiding in shame. The left hand was clearly not communicating with the right hand, as they created pieces from different lines. Both lines may have been drug-induced.
Russia: So many mixed emotions for our host nation. I believe the Santa-inspired outfits on the left are for the Opening Ceremonies. I could certainly see this adorning a Russian doll in It's a Small World, but it also feels like overkill. There are some folks just right of center who look like they came from Hogwarts - I can't wait to see what this outfit is for. Nice puff coats, though!
For more Opening Ceremonies fashion, check out the rest of this slideshow from FoxSports.com.
There are some obvious sports to look out for when it comes to Olympic spandex: figure skating of all kinds and the sliding sports (luge, skeleton, bobsled). But don't forget speed skating and short track, most of the skiing events (cross-country, ski jumping, and nordic combined), and, of course, biathlon. Really the only sports that DON'T involve spandex in the winter games are snowboarding, hockey, and freestyle skiing (but it's ok if you watch those, too). See when each will air in your area.
We're excited to be back in the Olympic fashion game, so hopefully you'll stick with us over the next two weeks while we determine the best and the worst of the Sochi games.